Inscribed below are four delicate aspects of my life that I decided to share with you guys. Each piece of literature works are written prodigiously and described with intricate details. These four works describes the many troubles and tribulations I have faced and how I have undeniably got over them and moved on from them. Not letting them phase me. I share my stories in hopes that you will be inspired by my many accomplishments and be granted with the faith and hope that when you are faced with endeavors, and want to give up, Don't. God is working out things for you even when you don't realize it at the time. God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
|Only A Memory Away|
Childhood memoirs, laying in my bed, feet kicked up, with emerald colored walls bordering me giving me perceptions of reconciliation, tranquility and elegance. I remember my home town back in Barbados, streets full of euphoric kids, (most of which were boys) playing in the streets. Screams, chuckles and voices reiterating in the back of my prudent, little mind like a obliterated dream. My eyes begin to tear in the wind as my beating heart yearned for the youth that will never recur or rehash itself. My unforgettable momentus youth home and the surroundings where I flourished, lost my first tooth, and made my first actual real friends, will never escape
Before I lived in New York, I was raised on a small beautiful paradise, with turquoise blue waters, smooth white sand beaches and white cloudy skies. Barbados, the land of the flying fish, was my home for 12 whole years and I grew up to love it and call it my home.. At the age of two I was sent to live with my grandmother in Barbados because my mom was not able to look after me and work at the same time, as it was her one. At the age of six I came back and was enrolled in elementary school for approximately six months but when it was time for my grandmother to leave I wanted to leave too. I did not favor my mom that much at the time as she did not seem as loving as my grandma or did not smell the same way my grandma did. Might sound a little bit weird, and strange but my grandmother had this scent to her that I would just coil up in bed next to her, thumb in my mouth, playing with my hair, as I slowly drift asleep. I was deeply attached to her and was always caught attached to her right hip with every single move she made. Every Sunday we would go to church and she would dress me up in the cutest dresses ever with bubbles and bows in my hair. I hated it, but I never let her be aware of it, even though people thought I was the cutest little thing ever. My grandmother could not get my name pronounce too well so she gave me the nickname ‘Missy’. After that day everyone in the neighborhood swore my real name was ‘Missy’ and up to this day that is still what everyone calls me whenever I go to visit. The first time I went to barbados my grandmother told me that this lady brought me in and I was crying and crying and the only person that got me off that plane with a smile on face was the pilot. She said, “I don't know how he did it, but he got you to stop crying that night”. Then she laughed hysterically and proclaimed “you fell in love with the pilot at first sight". When I got to my destination that day, I began crying again, hysterically this time, all soaked in my salty tears as I was surrounded by a whole bunch of people I was not familiar with. Those of whom were my family and the only person that could console me was my grandmother. I hated white tea and the only way I would drink it was if it was dark and filled with Hershey chocolate milk. I was a very stubborn and picky child. Every evening I got home from school, the first thing I would ask my grandma is, "mum, I have tea in my saucepan " I would say. She always laughed whenever I asked but she always made sure it was prepared just the way I liked it. I was my grandmothers child.
|Home Sweet Home|
Where I grew up was known as the town. I was constantly surrounded by my little cousins. Most of them were boys, many of which were extremely aggravating and bothersome. I needed a getaway spot, some place I could go to vent, ease my little prudent mind and just unwind. It was a cordial sunlit afternoon after school. I was having a frantic day and I just wanted to be in solitude. I needed to isolate myself from the noise and constant annoyance of human beings in my ears. As I gradually walked, the scenery of the green grass and the bed of flowers immediately caught my attention. It was so calm and peaceful there. There and then I knew I had found a place to vent. I managed to find that special space. It wasn't anything fancy, just an opening area with grass, and beautiful flowers: Pride of Barbados, Hibiscus and Pink Water Lilies. Best of all, there was a bench. Under a shack shack tree, there was this little brown bench where I would always sit and read my favorite books, listen to music and even do my homework. I remember this like it was yesterday.
I sat on the bench, kicked up my feet and just stared into the sky with amazement. For some strange reason, my mind just felt at ease. My body and the earth were somehow connected in a way I was unable to envision. Unexpectedly, I dozed off into a deep sleep. When I awoke, the sky was taking on darkness as a swarm of butterflies flew around me. As the sun hung dimly over the horizon. I smiled. It was a beautiful piece of art. As I sat up right, my mind, my body and my soul felt rejuvenated like I was reincarnated into a new body. Ever since that day, I knew that was the one place I can always go to just get away from the evil minds of society, and not worry about forcing a smile. I went home that night and all I wished was for the sun to take on its light again.
My memory became my enemy. Since I moved to New York, the act of reminiscing about Barbados greatly impacts me. Without my bench, I desire it more than ever. I miss feeling the unity and serenity I once had when I was in that place. The act of knowing there was no one there to pass judgment, hear my cry, my laughter or see my pain. It is all gone now. With the constant annoying sounds of the ambulance, fire trucks, and police cars, my mind is always racing. It is extremely hard for me to be myself now and ignore the criticism. After the experience of being alone so much, spending quality time with myself and just finding harmony with nature, I have learned something very beneficial. Instead of relying on others to get me into a better place or mood, I learned to rely on me, myself and I to do this. As Ralph Waldo Emerson stated in his essay, “Nature”, “But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds, will separate between him and vulgar things” for “the happiest man is he who learns from nature the lesson of worship.” In the end, all I will ever really have is the memories.
|I Just Want To Be Me|
Growing up, I was always criticized as the rebel compared to my sister who is the eldest of us. She was the sweet, quiet, and calm one and I was the rude, loud, obnoxious one who never cared about anything or anyone. My grandmother always said that she was the salt and I was the pepper. Hearing consecutively by different people, "why you can't be more like Kelly, you are nothing like her", "I like her better", they would say. Even though I never acted like I cared about their opinion of me, somehow a part of me did. I wanted to prove to those that I was nothing like her, I was simply me. The indulgence of those mere words and thoughts of me sunk into my brain, and as their voices pound in the back of my mind like a beating drum during the church choir, all I could think about is proving to those that doubt my ability and sole potential, that I could be somebody.
The worse feeling in life is being compared to someone else. I did not want to be the "better" or "worse" version of someone else. I just wanted to be me. I made a promise to myself, right there and then, that I was going to ultimately put an all time stop to the negative attributes people thought about me. In 2010, when I enrolled in Erasmus hall campus(YCD), I walked through those black metal gates every morning with high hopes and aspirations that I was going to thrive to the top, never giving in to the evil minds and conformity of society. The day I got my first report card, I acquired a 95% avg and the Lord knows I was filled with joy and excitement. I was not quite aware of my self worth and fortuity until then. That day marked the beginning of new a chapter in my life. God was working things out for me, even when I did not feel it. I just had to keep faith. But I was not going to stop there.
I started out as a B student but gradually worked my way into being an A+ student. I was able to see the growth, maturity and intelligence in myself fully develop as time progressed. I had this one teacher who always saw my full potential, and he would always say to me, "Only your best is good enough, and you are not giving me your best, you can do way better than you are portraying, push yourself". He never believed that I ever listened to a word he said, but without a doubt I did. I deeply embraced every single word and detail. Without him constantly in my ears for the past three years of my High School career, I honestly do not think I would be sitting here today telling this story. With his generosity, persistent advise and lectures in always pushing me to do my best, never letting me settle for less than what I deserve, he gave me the sense of motivation, courage and wisdom that I was looking for. He took a chance with me and believed in me. My last three years in high school, I did everything I could to never let him down. I was enrolled in almost every AP class available, including his AP English class. I looked up to him. I was driven by the dedication, ambition and optimism that I solely possessed. By senior year, I was announced as the only student in my graduating year to obtain an advanced regents diploma, the student #1 rank student in the entire school and was later announced as being the Valedictorian. I was not expecting this big, great achievement, but hearing it made my heart melt like ice in a tub of hot water. I then knew that all my hard work, dedication, commitment, and direly motivation to be successful in life had inevitably paid off. I had put up a barricade, blocking those trying to hold me back and stop my shine. I had came to a realization that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I was fortunate enough to have crossed paths with an individual who wanted nothing but the best for me. We must hold on to those because many want to see us do good, but never better than them.
In life, one may cross path with someone who under mindedly wants to see everything go wrong for them, simply because nothing is going right for them. Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, just laugh at the confusion and smile through the tears. Prove to those that doubted you that you will continue to strive for excellence and that you can do anything you solely put your mind to. Make a difference. Never lose faith and the integrity to believe that all goals are attainable and that all things will become possible and are indeed in the depth of your reach. Efficient is not the same as effective and sometimes we are put in situations where learning is required to survive and thrive.
|She's an Inspiration to Me|
As a child, my most prominent memories consisted of spending quality time with my grandmother Cynthia, to whom everyone referred to as Mum. She is well known throughout our neighborhood as she is a strong willed individual, full of love and kindness. Her strong believe in the power, love and devotion of God deeply out-weighed a lot of things she has done and has become in life. Growing up, she was my biggest inspiration and motivation, and up to this day nothing has changed. She is the one person I could look up to and depend on for anything. Mum is my hero, my bestfriend, my heart and my soul. She is my everything. She is the one person in this world I am terribly scared of loosing because without her I am nothing.
Through all my troubles and tribulations, she have stuck by my side even though she is like a million miles away in my little island paradise Barbados. Whenever I need her she is always just a phone call away. Every night before she goes to bed, she calls me to check on me, asking how was my day and to simply see if I am doing okay, saying ‘I love you”. Not a day goes by that I do not hear her soft, enduring, reluctant voice. Hearing her every night is what makes my days and nights worthwhile because I know she is still here with me. The amount of things I have encountered these past four years of my life, has been undeniably tortuous and insufferable, and the pain it brought upon me was deeply unbearable. Without my grandma's revitalizing advice and worthy words of praise to remain strong, I do not know who I would have become or turned out to be during this time. My grandmother made me make her a sole promise. She said to me "Promise me you would never let anyone change you from the person you are, and never let anyone get in your way of being what you want to be in life, make me proud and gods willing if life is spared, I will always be here for you". Through every nerve wrecking problem I face, I just think about her advice. I use to cry myself to sleep thinking about the things I go through in life and she would say to me "stop crying, don't let anyone bring you down, instead you should be taking those negative things as a way to make you stronger". Ever since that day, I stopped drowning myself in tears, I have learned to be strong, willful minded, showing those that they can not break me so easily, and it feels great.
My grandma is a strong, independent individual with a big heart, and I want to be exactly like her when I grow up. She has taught me things about life which no one could have known especially, a young person. As a maturing young adult she taught me the key aspect of faith and hope. She raised me to appreciate the knowledge of the old wise and weary ones. Her spirit has been substantially instilled in me as a child and still does today. She is always an ear-to-listen, and a shoulder to cry on long-distance wise. She taught me stuff about myself I was not fully aware of growing up. She instilled in me beneficial facts about everyday life, personal facade and made sure that my main priority was on education. She always told me “Who you are and what you want to be in life, are the prime aspects to enjoying a successful life”. Life is too short without inspiration and in my grandmother I have found just that.