DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.

1st Draft:

 

Jail

is it inside our hearts, home and bodies?

Or is it outside where the unexpected is expected to happen?

Can jail be our own minds?

Tumbling, smashing, and hitting everywhere, yet only discovering bars behind every turn.

But, what if it's someone?

Someone we care about, but know we shouldn't.

What if they are our prision?

Not physically, but within our minds..

Roaming thorughout our thoughts, 

enclosing us with fear, sadness and death.

What if there is no other choice, but to stay caged up.

Til one day, where we might have a chance.

A chance, life gives. 

And we take it..

Taking it to run far far away,

where the demons and monsters can no longer find us..

But yet, here we are.

Where the new monsters and demons come out to play.

Are you ready to play?

 

DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.

Process:

 

This was one of the few pieces that I have ever shown people and had peer review. This process was extremely stressful because I’m not used to going back to smaller pieces like poems. Although not many people believe that you can get things right in one shot, I believe that since I write my poems in one shot, it's hard for me to be able to get in the same mind set to create the same emotion that I'm trying to dictate in the poem.

 

Unlike my short stories where I feel obligated to go back and make sure that it is perfect, I just never saw the need to do so. Although not too many people will see any differences, but I’m extremely proud of myself to be able to sit down, look back and analyze every piece and detail of the piece and overthink everything to see what will make the piece better. I went back over and over again, deleting and retyping. 

 

This is just the beginning of learning more about myself and being able to take a second and look over my work.

DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.

Comments:

 

  1. Sunayana Limbu (TA):

    Hi Stephanie, Great poem! Your poem reminded me of Sean Stephenson's tedtalk speech, (which is my favorite ted talk speech ever!). I have to agree with your poem, the real jail is on our mind. It is the worst place to be. When we surround ourselves with walls, we become trapped with fear and negative thoughts. Great job and I love how your ended your poem with "Are you ready to play?"

  2. Tanzania Browne (Student):

    Hi Stephanie, 
    Thank you for sharing this poem! Sometimes many of the battles we fight are internal battles that we must try to win. This reminds me so much of "the soul vs. body." We never think about it much, but our souls are different from our bodies. Sometimes our internal battles are the battles that we must fight and win or else we'll deteriorate. I have so many of these internal battles that I often fight, so I can relate.  I also like how the last line of the poem is in a smaller font than the rest of the poem, nice stylistic detail. Just as Sharinna'spoem, I like how you asked questions because automatically I start to think about the question that you're asking and it draws me into the poem even more. A few suggestions that I have is to maybe use less periods. Allow for some of the sentences to have enjambments. For example, the last stanza, "A chance, life gives | And we take it." I think that the period there stops the flow of the poem. If you removed it, it would flow much better. 

  3.  Sharinna Salazar (Student):

    I love the asking questions in a poem thing you have going on. I feel like you are personally asking me for my answer. Also, the same fonts for the first and last sentences made it seem like they are connected which I like. ( Jail. Are you ready to play?)  Great job !

  4. Rodrigo Izo (Student):

    Hello Steph!

    Great use of font in your poem, it gives power and emphasis to the sentences that you want us to really look at. Jail. Are you ready to play.

    It's funny really, because your poem is about running away and finding out that running from some lines of thought only lead to seeing the problems in other lines of thought. It's a circular logic that lends itself to a cycle of hide-and-seek with yourself. I like that it's called Jail, because like jail, you can hide-and-seek as much as you want, but your still stuck in the same place.

    Are you ready to play? This line gets to me, because I see it as the mind challenging itself. Not exactly the demons and monsters pursuing the running-self, but rather the mind telling itself that this game must be played and all the running in the world wont prepare you for it. You don't run from your own sub-conscious, it's the puppet master above the stands, seeing and controlling you with subtle movements known to no one but itself. So when you run, try to get off the stage, out of the jail, all you've done is tangle your strings, and it's only a matter of time before the composer untangles them and plays you once again.
DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.

Final Product:

 

Jail

is it inside our hearts, home and bodies?

Or is it outside where the unexpected is expected to happen?

Can jail be our own minds?

Tumbling, smashing, and hitting everywhere, yet only discovering bars behind every turn.

But, what if it's someone?

Someone we care about, but know we shouldn't.

What if they are our prision?

Not physically, but within our minds..

Roaming thorughout our thoughts, 

enclosing us with fear, sadness and death.

What if there is no other choice, but to stay caged up.

Til one day, where we might have a chance.

A chance, life gives. 

And we take it..

Taking it to run far far away,

where the demons and monsters can no longer find us..

But yet, here we are.

Where the new monsters and demons come out to play.

Are you ready to play?

DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.